Call my wine bluff

Do you ever get confused by technical wine terms? Here to help you out I’ve provided an invaluable glossary.

Part of the inspiration of this week’s column came from Douglas Adams (yes, he of Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Fame) and John Lloyd’s Meaning of Liff. In this little book, which was published in 1983, the authors provide amusing, often surreal definitions for towns in Britain. For example:

Amersham: The sneeze which tickles but never comes. (Thought to derive from the Metropolitan Line tube station of the same name where the rails always rattle but the train never arrives.)

Or

Oundle: To walk along leaning sideways, with one arm hanging limp and dragging one leg behind the other. Most commonly used by actors in amateur productions of Richard III, or by people carrying a heavy suitcase in one hand.

My definitions for technical wine terms aren’t quite so inspired. They’re probably closer to something from the parlour game, which was a long running BBC quiz show called Call my Bluff, where you have to come up with a definition for a word and your friends have to guess if it's true.

Anyway, I think my definitions will come in handy when consorting with wine bores. And if you have any of your own, please pop them in the comments below.

Amarone - That strange lascivious urge you get when checking into even the most mundane of hotels.

Appassimento - A leisurely afternoon walk after too much wine at lunch. ‘No more amarone for me, thank you. If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll take a little appassimento around the block.’

Battonage - Coarse banter, particularly popular among French rugby players.

Brettanomyces - Rare Australian rodent, now confined to parts of Northern Queensland.

Canary sack - Final warning before you are fired: ‘I’ve been given the old canary sack after some rather risque battonage at the office Christmas party.’

Cepage - Gascon mushroom dish.

Chef de cave - A form of primitive cookery that’s now a popular fad diet in California.

Chambertin - Bright orange fake tan of the sort that’s particularly popular with girls on a night out in Chislehurst: ‘I think you’ve overdone it on the Chambertin, Charmaine, you look like an Oompa Loompa.’

Chenin blanc - A discreet snub used by parents at the school gates at snobby South Kensington primary schools.

Classic method - Unreliable contraceptive technique popular among Roman Catholics in the 1960s.

Disgorging - Dramatic weight loss, perhaps caused by ozempic use. ‘Darling you look wonderful, have you been disgorging?’

Dosage - The perfect amount of wine to give you a feeling of relaxed well being without descending into battonage.

First growth - Another term for 5 o’ clock shadow.

Gamay Noir - Notorious night club in Hemel Hempstead. Popular with those who drive modified Mark 4 VW Golfs.

Gigondas - See sherry butt

Hospice de Beaune - Minor injuries unit.

Isinglass - Controversial method for chilling a white wine.

Noble rot - Wine merchant’s spiel when he’s trying to sell you something expensive

Pet nat - A particularly unkempt vineyard dog

PiWi - A child who always has to go to the loo the moment he get in the car.

Port pipe - Postprandial tobacco

Remuage - Nostalgia for a time or place that you never experienced.

Sherry butt - Compliment to an attractive woman in Louisiana. Now considered as an example of the worst kind battonage and best not used in polite company.

Tete de cuvee - Waking at 3am with a throbbing head despite only having had half a bottle of wine the night before.

Saignee - Traditional Provencal greeting often accompanied by a jocular salute. ‘Saignee Jean-Pierre. Ça va? I’ve got a touch of the old tete de cuvee, m’self and having more than a dosage last night.’

Vacqueyras - Industrial Hoover, often used by plumbers.

Zweigelt - Unit of intergalactic distance.