Flaubert’s Dictionary of Accepted Ideas (Le Dictionnaire des idées reçues) satirises the conventional views of the bourgeoisie in 19th century France. I thought it would be a fun thing to do with wine: look at the clichés people use when talking or writing about wine.
While compiling this list I was struck by how often I’ve been as guilty of trading in received opinions as any complacent Lyon burgher. Must do better. Let me know any I have missed.
Alcohol levels - Wax indignant about increasing strength of wines. Mention climate change.
Aldi - Discount supermarket. Its £5.99 Rioja is the best wine in the world.
Austria - Discuss the antifreeze scandal. Sommeliers love wines from Austria (see gruner veltliner).
Australia - The Australians showed the French how to make wine.
Argentina - Goes with steak, mention gauchos and pampas.
Barolo - Always say ‘the king of wines, the wine of kings’.
Beaujolais - Nasty stuff that Beaujolais nouveau, wouldn’t touch it with a bargepole.
Biodynamics - It works but nobody knows why. Discuss.
Bordeaux - ‘He wouldn’t know a claret from a Bordeaux’. Wine for the intellect. Masculine.
Burgundy - Wine for the soul. Feminine especially Chambolle-Musigny.
Cabernet Sauvignon - Always noble.
Canadian wine - Perfect for ice wine because it’s so cold.
Chablis - I don’t like chardonnay but I love Chablis. Mention oysters.
Cheese - Always serve with red wine.
Champagne - Overpriced frivolous rubbish. Actually invented by the English.
Chardonnay - It’s obligatory to mention Bridget Jones.
Chile - Always say: ‘the Volvo of wine’1.
Chocolate - Also goes brilliantly with red wine.
Clarke, Oz - Best palate in the business.
Competitions - Wax indignant about. Utterly meaningless and corrupt to the core. Trophies go to the highest bidder.
Duty - Did you know that £2.50 in a £5 bottle of wine goes on tax?
Demystification - A vital process in order to reverse the decline of wine drinking in the West.
English wine - File under ‘why bother?’
Elitism - Must be flushed out in all its forms. See snobbery.
France - Of course, they keep all the best wines to themselves.
Feminine - See burgundy.
German wines - Nasty sweet things like Blue Nun, wouldn’t touch them.
Gruner veltliner - Austrian grape; a sommelier’s best friend.
Italy - ‘Of course, it’s more like a dozen countries and that’s reflected in the wines’.
Influencers - Always ‘so called’.
Jurancon - Always say: ‘the king of wines, the wine of kings’.
Marketing - Thunder against. Irrelevant, not influenced by it at all.
Masculine - See bordeaux.
Marsala - Only good for cooking.
Merlot - Always say: ‘I’m not drinking any fucking merlot.’2
Musar - Lebanese Chateau. Still made wine throughout the country’s civil war despite Syrian tanks in the vineyard. Triumph over adversity.
Mystery - What would wine be without mystery? See romance.
Natural wine - Wax indignant about. Say that it smells like cider.
Oak - Thunder against - ‘this wine is too oaky, if I wanted vanilla, I’d have ordered custard tart’ (see Robert Parker).
Organic - Topic for discussion. Increasingly important, nod seriously and mention the ‘climate crisis’ (see alcohol).
Orange wine - Not made from oranges.
Pairing - Applied to food and wine, always preceded by perfect. Use the phrase ‘match made in heaven.’
Parker, Robert - You can say what you like about him but he’s never wrong.
Petrichor - Very swank to use when describing wine.
Pinot noir - The heartbreak grape.
Pinotage - 'Don't steal, rape, or murder – or make Pinotage.'3
Port - Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without Port. Also gives you a terrible hangover. Mention gout.
PX sherry - Christmas in a glass.
Red trousers - Goes with red noses. Always worn by the wine trade.
Riesling - The greatest white grape. Did you know that German wines used to sell for more than Latour in the 19th century? Queen Victoria loved hock.
Rioja - Red wine from Spain. Pronounced ‘ree ock ah!’ Can’t go wrong with a Rioja.
Robinson, Jancis - The doyenne of wine writers.
Romance - Ah, the romance of wine! La France profonde! Etc. (see mystery).
Rosé - Summer in a glass! Wimbledon, strawberries and cream. Yachts and swimming pools. Pale rosé is drier than the dark stuff.
Sancerre - Overpriced rubbish, only popular because it’s easy for English speakers to say.
Sauvignon blanc - Ah! The smell of cat’s pee on a gooseberry bush. New Zealand makes the best. Much better than that French rubbish.
Scoring wine - Barbaric practice. Would you score a Caravaggio out of 100. Or a lover?
Sherry - Drunk only by maiden aunts, grannies and vicars.
Snobbery - Endemic in wine. Needs to end now. See red trousers.
South Africa - Rainbow nation. Land of contracts. So much hope.
Supertasters - Always say ‘35% women are supertasters compared with 22% of men.’ Sit back and smile smugly.
Tannins - Usually silky, sometimes rustic (a bad thing).
Tokaji - The king of wines, the wine of kings. Something about Turks and the Tsar of Russia.
Winemakers - Always passionate, often difficult. Don’t suffer fools gladly.
Wine tasting - It’s all a lot of nonsense. Wine experts can’t tell premier cru claret from £5.99 Aldi Rioja.
Top wine writer Tim Atkin once called Chile ‘the Volvo of wine’ - ie. safe but boring.
From the film Sideways.
South African winemaker Andre van Rensburg outlining his views on pinotage - a South African grape made by crossing cinsault with pinot noir.
Superb. The only one I would slightly tweak is petrichor. I remember feeling very pleased when I first learnt this word which approximately 91% of wine writers and trade can define against 6% of the general population. Now I fear to use it in a tasting note in case someone comes along and says do I not realise the wine is faulty and bandies the word geosmin about.
Excellent stuff. Another one for France: the French drink responsibly because they give their kids a little wine with food from a young age. So civilised.